Conflict resolution expert and President of Action Seminars, Sam Horn, was kind enough to take the time to answer a few questions about her very practical and idea packed book Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict. The author describes how to defuse, disarm, or deflect someone's verbal or psychological attack in a constructive and problem solving manner. Her answers even include some wonderful stories and examples of her ideas in action.
Thanks to Sam Horn for her highly informative and very comprehensive responses to the questions about her book and her ideas. It is greatly appreciated.
What was the background to writing this book Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict?
Sam Horn: I was presenting workshops on Concentration – How to Focus for Success for the University of Hawaii.
Many participants told me they found it hard to get things done at work – not because they couldn’t focus – but because they were constantly being interrupted by other people.
As the office poster says, “Opportunity knocks. People barge right in.”
Based on their requests, I developed a program on how to deal with difficult people – without becoming one yourself.
At our first session, a Realtor in the front row didn’t even get up for a cup of coffee at our first break. He just sat there, gazing off into space.
I was curious so I went over and asked, “What are you thinking?”
He said, “Sam, I deal with some arrogant and demanding people. I’m tired of it. I thought you were going to teach us some zingers to fire back at these people and put them in their place. That’s not what this is about, is it?”
He continued, “I’m a student of martial arts. I’ve studied karate, judo, tae kwon do. What you’re teaching us is like a verbal form of kung fu, isn’t it?”
My mind made a little quantum creative leap and I said, “You’re right, it’s
kind of like . . . Tongue Fu!®
Eureka. The perfect name. And that’s how it all started.
Since then, Tongue Fu!® (which is trademarked), has become a bestselling book sold in 17 countries around the world (including China); dozens of instructors have been certified to teach it internally in their organizations, and it’s been presented to more than a quarter million people and for groups ranging from NASA to the National Governors Association.
Is the book about conflict resolution, or does the subject matter cover more than interpersonal conflict?
Sam Horn: I’m so glad you asked that, Wayne.
Jack Canfield (co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series) says that Tongue Fu! is more than how to turn conflict into cooperation; it’s really “how to get along with just about anyone, anytime, anywhere.”
It teaches communication techniques we wish we had been taught back in school with math, science and history. It shows exactly what to say – or not to say – dozens of real-life situations we face in our daily lives. Things like:
• How to persuade people to stop, listen, and see our point of view
• How to say what we mean and speak up for want we want and deserve
• How to keep our cool and be kind - even when other people aren’t
You describe one concept as fast forward through frustration. What do you mean by that?
Sam Horn: Feeling frustrated is almost always a result of seeing things only from OUR point of view. We’re exasperated because this person is not behaving the way we think they should.
We can turn our impatience into empathy by asking ourselves these four words . . . “How would I feel?”
A man told me those four little words changed his relationship with his mom. “I used to dread driving to see my mom (who’s in a rest home) because all she ever did was complain.
When you told us about the power of those four words, I asked myself, ‘How would I feel if I were in bed 20 hours a day, 7 days a week? How would I feel if I couldn’t go outside when I felt like it? How would I feel if my joints ached and I was in pain every day of my life?”
He said, “That got me right out of my frustration. When I saw things from my mom’s point of view, I realized that part of the reason she complained so much was because . . . she didn’t have anything else to talk about.
That next Saturday, I took out a photo album so we could go down memory lane together. We had a couple great hours talking about this great mountain cabin we used to go to every summer. Those four words, ‘How would I feel?’ turned my impatience into empathy.”
One of the principles of the book is respond rather than react. How do these two concepts differ and why are they important?
Sam Horn: Reacting is saying the first thing that comes to mind – which almost always makes things worse.
Responding means pausing for a moment to look at the situation from different perspectives so that what we say helps rather than hurts.
Imagine someone accuses you of something that’s not true. Your first reaction might be to defend or deny it. That won’t help.
If someone says, “You women are so emotional” and we react with, “We are not emotional,” we have just proven their point.
Instead, ask, "What do you mean?" That question will reveal the real issue and you can address that instead of reacting to their attack.
In case you’re wondering, “Can I use this at work?” YES.
Imagine an upset client exclaims, "You don't care about your customers.” You might be tempted to protest, "That's not true. We pride ourselves on our quality service." That retort would create a yes-we-do, no-you-don't debate that would result in an argument with the client.
Instead, respond with "What makes you think that?" The client may explain, "I've left three messages and no one's called back."
Aaahhh. Now you know what's really bothering your customer and you can give him the attention and service he deserves by saying, “I am sorry you took the time to leave three messages and no one’s responded. Please tell me the situation and I’ll be happy to help you with it.”
Many people find themselves unable to think of anything to say or are intimidated when faced with interpersonal conflict. How does this book help people who are shy, get tongue tied, or move away from confrontation?
Sam Horn: One of the most popular chapters in Tongue Fu!® is called Fun Fu! The premise of that chapter is: why suffer from being shy and get self-conscious when people target our sore spots? Why not develop a repertoire of ready responses for awkward situations so we’re never caught off guard?
As Erma Bombeck (bless her heart) said, “If we can laugh at it, we can live with it.”
In presentations I ask participants, “What are you sensitive about?
Perhaps they’re losing their hair or they’ve put on a few pounds. Maybe they get teased about their accent or a breakout of pimples. They’re tired of people giving them a hard time about it but don’t want a confrontation.
We have a choice: We can continue to let people push our hot buttons or we can come up with clever, non-combative comebacks so we’re never tongue-tied again.
My favorite example of Fun Fu! was the time I saw a very tall man - at least 7 feet tall - in an airport. I couldn’t believe it; some people in front of me were laughing and pointing at him.
I thought, how rude! Then he got closer and I could see why they were laughing. He had on a T-shirt that said in very large letters, "No, I'm not a basketball player!"
I turned to compliment him and laughed out loud when I saw the back of his shirt which said, "Are you a jockey?"
I asked him, “How did you come up with these clever shirts?”
He told me, “I grew a foot between the time I was 13 and 16 years old. I used to dread going out of the house because everyone had to make a smart-aleck remark. My Mom finally told me, “If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em!”
He smiled and added, "This is nothing. I have a whole drawer full of these shirts at home. My favorite says, 'I'm 6'13 and the weather up here is fine.'
Then he said the payoff line, “Ever since I started wearing these shirts, I've had fun with my height instead of being frustrated by my height."
Smart man. Creating Fun Fu! comebacks can help us think on our feet and keep our wit (s) about us so we’re never tongue-twisted again.
Sam Horn (photo left)
Many people find that in conflict situations, that one person may behave differently from another, perhaps attacking, yelling, or refusing to listen. Does this book help defuse all of those problem conflict styles?
Sam Horn: I don’t want to “pull a Pollyanna” and say these Tongue Fu!® approaches are guaranteed to work with every type of person, every single time.
However, people from around the globe – all ages and from all walks of life – have told me they’ve been able to use these techniques at work, at home and in their community at movie theaters, restaurants, PTA meetings, etc.
Bottom-line? We all want to be treated with respect. We all want to be heard. These two-way communication approaches help achieve that.
One of the important sections of the book is about word choice, using certain words, while losing others. Why is the choice of wording so critical?
Sam Horn: You’re right, Wayne. We have a whole section in Tongue Fu!® called Words to Lose and Words to Use and it’s one of the most popular sections of the live trainings we do for companies and associations.
Linguist William Safire was once asked, "Is ineffective communication due to ignorance or apathy?" Safire thought about it for a moment and then said with a twinkle in his eye, "I don't know and I don't care."
I think we care about how we communicate. What we may not know is that there are relationship-destroying words we use innocently that set us up as adversaries. Even if our intentions are good, these words make people feel criticized, ordered around or shut down – and they’ll react with anger.
For example, the word “but.” How do we feel when someone says, "I hear what you're saying, BUT that won’t work"? Or, “You did a good job on that, BUT you forgot to mention next week’s meeting.”
Now, imagine if that person replaced that destructive word BUT with the constructive word AND.”
"I hear what you're saying AND we tried that before and it didn't work out AND do you have any suggestions on how we could handle it differently this time?" You did a good job on that AND can you please let the group know about next week’s meeting?”
Do you hear how the word AND connects instead of cancels? It moves conversations forward because it acknowledges what the other person is saying instead of arguing with it.
Replacing a Word to Lose with a Word to Use (this is just one of 10 in the section) can help turn resistance into receptivity and resentment into rapport.
Is it possible to turn conflict into a positive by creating an opportunity for cooperation instead of that conflict?
Sam Horn: Another good question, Wayne. You’ve just identified one of the most important benefits of Tongue Fu!®
Imagine a loyal, long-time staff members asks, "Can I have my paycheck early? I'm going to my sister’s wedding this weekend."
You say, "NO YOU CAN’T BECAUSE your paycheck hasn't been approved by payroll."
That's the truth; however, the employee may get angry at you because you're rejecting her request. The words “NO, CAN’T BECAUSE” are like a verbal door slamming in someone’s face.
Want good news? You can often approve requests and give people what they want with the words, “YES, AS SOON AS” or “SURE, RIGHT AFTER.”
Reword your reply to, "YES, YOU CAN have your paycheck, AS SOON as it's approved by payroll. Why don't we give them a call, explain the circumstances, and see if there's any way they can speed things up?"
See how the words YES AS SON AS put us on the same side instead of side against side?
A single mom told me, "I can't wait to use this idea at home. My kids and I are always at odds because I'm always telling them no. Next time they ask if they can go outside and play with their friends, instead of telling them, "No you can't because you haven't finished your homework," I'm going to say, "Sure you can, right after you finish your homework. Do your math, let me take a look at it and then you can go out and shoot hoops."
“When they want to watch TV, instead of lecturing them, “You know the rules around here. That TV doesn’t go on until your chores are done;” I’ll say “Yes, you can watch TV as soon as you finish your chores. Instead of seeing me as the one blocking them from what they want, this puts them in charge of getting what they want. It changes the whole dynamic of our relationship."
Bravo! That's the purpose of Tongue Fu!® - to change the way we talk to people which changes the way they treat us.
Can this book teach people to become more assertive at getting what they want, need and deserve at work or in their personal lives?
Sam Horn: Yes, one of the most important lessons in Tongue Fu!® is understanding, once and for all, that people can’t read our mind. If we’re not happy with the way someone is treating us; it’s our responsibility to speak up.
This was wonderfully illustrated in a scene from the TV sitcom Friends. Phoebe, the blonde singer of “Smelly Cat,” was complaining about something her brother had done. She’s carrying on and on and finally Joey interrupts and says, “Phoebe, have you told your brother how you feel?
She says, “Yes. Well . . . . not out loud.”
In the 20 years I’ve been teaching Tongue Fu!® many people have told me they resent the way someone – a boss, co-worker, spouse, neighbor – is mistreating them.
When I ask, “Have you told this person how you feel and asked them to treat you differently?” they often give many reasons why they haven’t spoken up.
I agree with test pilot Chuck Yeager who said, “At the moment of truth, there are either reasons or results.”
One of the insights in Tongue Fu!® is that “What we accept, we teach.” Silence means assent. If we don’t tell someone their behavior is bothering us; they conclude it must not be too bad because we’re not saying anything.
Being assertive doesn’t mean being a jerk. It simply means speaking up and holding people accountable for treating us with courtesy and respect.
Want an example? I flew into Los Angeles airport late one night and needed to get a taxi because the hotel shuttle had stopped running. When I gave the driver my destination – only 5 minutes away – he lost it and started yelling at me.
Now, I knew why he was upset. He may have been waiting for hours and was hoping to make $50 on a long trip, not $5 for a short trip. I usually make up for small fares by giving a large tip –however, not if someone’s swearing at me.
I reached into my purse, pulled out a pen and a piece of paper, leaned over the partition, looked at the drivers license displayed on his dashboard and asked politely but firmly, “Excuse, me, sir, how do you spell your name, please?”
The driver immediately put a sock in it and was quiet for the rest of the trip. When we arrived at our hotel, he jumped out of the car, came around, opened my door, offered to help me out and said, “Please don’t report me.”
The simple act of writing down his name brought him to his senses and motivated him to clean up his act because he didn’t want documentation of his temper tantrum. He voluntarily ceased and desisted because he realized it wasn’t in his best interests to continue to rant and rave at me. Goal accomplished.
This is just one of the suggestions in Tongue Fu!® that shows how to deal with bullies and verbal abusers so they can’t ruin our day (life!)
For our business readers, is the information presented in the book useful for business situations, including problems between employees or with customers?
Sam Horn: Yes, Tongue Fu!® is useful in business situations because it helps us respond proactively instead of having “brain freeze” or saying what’s on the tip of our tongue and giving people a piece of our mind.
For example, if someone complains, don't explain. Why? Explanations often come across as excuses.
Imagine a customer calls livid, “You were supposed to send those brochures to us last week. I’ve been checking my mail box every day and we still haven’t received it.”
If you explain, “The person in charge of that has been out sick . . .’ your explanation will probably make the customer angrier because it seems you’re not being accountable.
Instead, take the AAA train: Agree, Apologize. Act.
Agree: “You’re right, Mrs. Smith, we were supposed to send those brochures to you last week.
Apologize: “And I’m sorry you didn't receive them yet.
Act: “If I could please have your name and address again, I'll personally put those brochures in an envelope and Express Mail them to you today."
Voila! Complaint over. That’s just one example of how Tongue Fu!® can help you handle work challenges constructively vs. destructively and give the quality of customer service that makes every customer a repeat customer.
What is the first step a person should take toward becoming proficient at Tongue Fu!® ?
Sam Horn: How many times have we been to a workshop and walked out all excited, ready to change the world – and then life intervenes and a week later everything’s back to normal?
How many times have we read a book and underlined passages with the best intentions to put those ideas into action – and then the book went back on the shelf and everything went back to same old, same old?
You’ve heard the phrase “Out of sight; out of mind?”
The key to becoming proficient at Tongue Fu!® is to keep these ideas “in sight, in mind.”
In fact, one of my favorite Tongue Fu!® success stories happened when a colleague, Mary, did just that.
One night, Mary’s daughter Emily came home an hour after curfew. Emily was normally very responsible, so Mary was frantic. When Emily came in, Mary let her have it, “Where have you been?! I’ve been worried sick.”
Emily said, “I’m sorry Mom. I just didn’t notice how late it was . . . .”
Mary interrupted with, “Why didn’t you call?! I thought you were in some ditch somewhere . . “
Emily said, “Mom, I didn’t have my cell phone with me and I . . .”
Mary kept venting, “You should have . . .” and then her eyes fell on the Words to Lose – Words magnet I had given her that she kept on her refrigerator.
She told me, “Sam, I stopped mid-scream.” I calmed down and said, “Emily, in the future, if, for some reason, you’re going to be late, please call and let us know you’re ok. Borrow a cell phone if you have to – just let us know you’re safe and on your way home.”
Emily readily agreed, “I will, Mom.” A few minutes later, Emily went upstairs to bed with a hug and a “Night, Mom.”
Mary told me, “Sam, if I hadn’t seen that magnet, I would have kept screaming at Emily.. She would have kept screaming at me. She would have gone to bed mad. I would have gone to bed mad. We would have both woken up mad. Thanks to that magnet, I was able to handle that situation in a way that didn’t lead to regret.”
Want to keep these Tongue Fu!® ideas in sight, in mind so you can become more proficient at communicating in ways that create cooperation?
Contact us at Sam@SamHorn.com and we’ll be glad to email an index-sized copy of the Words to Lose-Words to Use you can reproduce so you can keep a copy by your desk and on your refrigerator Read em’ and reap!
What is next for Sam Horn?
Sam Horn: Thanks for asking, Wayne.
I’m continuing to enjoy working as a communication strategist for companies like Cisco, keynoting conferences like NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners) and INC. 500/5000, and consulting with clients to create one-of-a-kind positioning, content and approaches that help them win buy-in from their target customers (based on my book POP!)
And I’m having a wonderful time working on my next book SerenDestiny: Lead a Life You Love.
Katherine Graham of the Washington Post said, “To do what you love and feel that it matters; how could anything be more fun?”
What could be more fun? To do what you love, feel that it matters and do it with people you enjoy and respect. That’s what I get to do every day, plus this new topic is giving me an opportunity to interview people and identify the beliefs and behaviors that have resulted in them leading their ideal life.
If you know someone who’s realized their dreams – (including you) – I hope you’ll contact us at Sam@SamHorn.com to request our SerenDestiny questionnaire. Who knows? I may be able to include your story in my SerenDestiny presentations and book (which will be out in 2011).
Thanks, Wayne, for the opportunity to do this interview. I hope you and your readers find it interesting and useful, and I hope to stay connected via our website and blog - www.SamHorn.com www.SamHornPOP.wordpress.com
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My book review of Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn.
Sam Horn (photo left)
Bio of Sam Horn
Sam Horn, known as The Intrigue Expert, is an award-winning communication strategist with a 20+ year track record of results with an international clientele including Young Presidents Organization, Hewlett-Packard, NASA, American Bankers Assn, KPMG, Boeing and Intel. She was a top-ranked speaker (with Tom Peters, Seth Godin and Jim Collins) at INC.’s annual 500/5000 convention.
As the originator of Tongue Fu!® and POP! (“Lively guide for getting heard, getting remembered, getting results.” – Ken Blanchard), Sam has helped thousands of entrepreneurs and organizations crystallize attention-grabbing ideas, products & services that helped them break out vs. blend in.
Sam is a respected author of 6 books from major publishers – including POP!, Tongue Fu!, ConZentrate (“Fascinating. Thought-provoking. Highly recom-mended.” – Stephen Covey) and the upcoming SerenDestiny - which have been favorably reviewed in Washington Post, NY Times and Investors Business Daily.
A frequent media resources, she’s been interviewed on NPR, MSNBC and BusinessWeek.com. Most importantly, she is known for her presentations and consulting that help audiences and clients capture and keep the attention of their target customers and decision-makers with innovative approaches that win buy-in.
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